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Underlying Conditions
If you have a relationship, or any other area of life that isn’t working, there will always be a specific underlying condition of resisting or hanging on that is destroying the love and creating the problem. Normally, all we see are the circumstances. He did this and she did that. This happened and that happened. All of this seems to be the problem, but it's not. The real problem is something much deeper. Whenever you have a relationship, or any other area of life, that isn't working, there will always be a destructive internal mechanism that forces us to act in a way that sabotages this area of life. Here is how it works: Every one of us has a hurt from the past that totally runs our lives. This hurt is the childhood hurt of feeling worthless, not good enough, not worth loving, failure, or some other form of feeling “not okay.” Learn more. It’s not the truth that we are this way. It’s just an old childhood hurt. But it is a hurt that we will do almost anything to avoid feeling. In an automatic attempt to avoid this hurt, we act in a way that sabotages our lives. Any circumstance that triggers this core issue is subconsciously perceived as threat. In an automatic attempt to protect ourselves, we put all our focus changing our circumstances and removing the threat. This creates a state of fear, upset and tunnel vision. It destroys our ability to see clearly and it forces us to act in a way that makes our situation worse. All we can do is fight, resist, hang on or withdraw. Without knowing, we destroy our effectiveness and magnify the problem. Anytime you have a relationship, or an area of life that isn’t working, this underlying condition is present. Here’s an example: Let’s say that you and I have a relationship. No matter how wonderful you are, you will never be wonderful enough to keep my hurt from being triggered. When it gets triggered, I won’t notice that I have a nerve that is being struck. I will only notice what triggered it. YOU! Subconsciously, I will perceive you as a threat. In an automatic attempt to avoid this threat, I put up my walls of protection and become judgmental, critical or controlling. This then triggers your hurt. In an automatic attempt to protect yourself from me, you put up your walls of protection. You then become judgmental, critical or controlling toward me. Then my core issue gets triggered even more. Then I become more critical of you. This strikes your core issue and you become more critical of me. Then I become more critical toward you. Without knowing, we create a cycle of conflict, a cycle of hurting, attacking or withdrawing from each other. This cycle then goes on and on without either person noticing his or her role in the conflict. All we can see are the actions of the other person. We don’t notice that those actions are merely symptoms of the cycle of conflict. Anytime you have a cycle of conflict, you have two people whose core issues are clashing. It’s this clash of core issues that creates the conflict and it’s the cycle of conflict that sabotages the relationship. The same thing is happening in any area of life that isn’t working. A core issue is being triggered. You get tunnel vision and lose your ability to see clearly. All you can do is fight, resist, hang on or withdraw, which magnifies the problem. Whatever the problem is, it will be fueled by the automatic, subconscious avoidance of a very specific hurt. Finding and healing this hurt, or core issue, is one of the most important things you can ever do. Until you do, you will be forced to repeat the past. Once you discover the underlying condition that sabotages your life you get power over your situation. Once you find and heal the hurt that fuels it, the condition disappears and the situation clears up. You have the ability to restore the love in any relationship and in any aspect of life. You just need to know how. See some examples of how core issues work.
If you want to make a profound difference in your relationships, attend our workshops and make an appointment for individual support. For more information call 713-520-5370.
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